Most people's resumes
make them sound unbearably boring.
Everyone's “interests”
look super uninteresting. You just can't slap down your personality
like you want to; you just can't write “you should hire me
because I collect thimbles”. I
once went to a “resume writing workshop” which told you exactly
which interests employers are interested in, held by a woman who
looked like she'd be interested in ants.
My
resume boasts three interests.
Music.
What
I actually meant was that I like finding parts of songs that sound
like they've been ripped from other songs and contemplating whether
the previous musician would have grounds to sue. At what point does
it stop being la-di-da-postmodern and become stealing? Food for
thought.
Reading.
Yes,
I like to read. Everything from billboards to parking fines to actual
reading material. But what I really
like is finding typos in professionally edited works, it makes me
feel educated. I'm also fond of the verbal equivalents, such as
spoonerisms, like the time my dad said he just needed to pop into
“Wank Best” instead of “Bank West”. Gosh, I do love a good
spoonerisms.
Sport.
This
is a blatant lie. I hate sport. I find it unpleasant to both watch
and do. My heart must be as strong as a deflated balloon; my muscles
are like custard. But hey, employers like well-rounded individuals.
I
could never express how interesting I (arrogantly) think I am, so I
decided to go for a visual approach. I attached a photograph to my
CV. I dressed as outlandishly as my wardrobe would allow, lathered on
the lipstick, placed my beret at an angle and communicated with my
cheeky half-smile “I'm an intelligent, witty and kind hearted gal”.
That,
or “I'm a tosser”.
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